Alien Apocalypse (2005)

Oh yes! It is time for another bad movie review and we are going to the king, Bruce Campbell! The other night, I decided to avoid the dissertation, poured myself a horn of home-brewed chocolate mead, and put Alien Apocalypse (2005) into the dvd player. You gotta love bad movies as a work avoidance tool.

As you know, O' Gentle Reader of Bad Blogs, Bruce Campbell is the king of bad movies and Burn Notice. I love his work, on the whole, and I have even read both of his books. Heck, Nancy even likes his movies and will occasionally put up with me watching some of his bad TV shows (which will remain nameless). In short, he is simply "The Man" around these parts. Now, lets get to the review.

A group of four astronauts return to earth after a 40 year cryogenic space nap only to discover that something is amiss.



Oops! Wrong film! Here we go...

"Say... where did we park?"

Soon, our intrepid hero discovers that modern civilization is destroyed and the human race has forgotten much of what it knew about medicine, technology and hygiene. Oh, also that the world has been conquered by giant space termites. Yeah, definitely giant space termites...

"Whoa! Where's Terminix when you need them?"

..and they are hungry...FOR BRAINS!!

"Nom, nom, nom, nom..."

Now, its up to "The Doctor" to lead a rag-tag band of humans (who are armed with primitive weapons)...

"Heigh-HO! Heigh-ho, its off to war we go!"

...against a deadly race of super space bugs (who are hell-bent on world domination, deforestation, and general nastiness)...

"WHERE'S THE CHEETOS?!?"

...and he ain't havin' any!

"Pew! Pew, pew, pew!"

Yeah, this movie has issues. First, the animation of the giant space termites was horrible. HORRIBLE! In fact, they kept using the same screen shots over, and over, and over. Next, Bruce Campbell is a space-faring chiropractor? Really? Last, the action is really slow for a "B Movie" adventure flick. I mean, come on! I'm wishing I would have worked on the diss, here!

Still, it does have its charms. For instance, it IS a Bruce Campbell film. Even though this is far from his best work, he does swagger and quip his way through the film (which was probably shot over 2 days or so) just like we like him to. I wouldn't buy or rent it, if I were you, but it may be worth watching on a Saturday afternoon Sci-Fi movie marathon if you are avoiding work.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Død Snø (2009)

So my friend Mr. Roper aka Mr. R from Hell, who shares our love for bad movies, tells me about this Swedish zombie film that debuted at Sundance named Død Snø (or Dead Snow). So when I found this flick at Best Buy, I was all over it!

Now I have only seen a couple of Swedish movies--my favorite so far is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo--but so far I am quite impressed with the films they are making. Over all, I tend to shy away from all the big-budget Hollywood films out there--I have yet to see either Avatar or Inception for example--because I love the bad movies! I will certainly keep my eyes open for more Swedish films in the future. Now, lets get to it!

A group of medical students, during Easter holiday, decide to relax at a remote cabin in the woods with a few lady friends. As we all know, this is always a good idea in a bad movie!

"Good thing nothing bad happens in the woods!"

Later that night, they meet a mysterious creepy stranger that warns them of danger from dark times, long ago.

"Gimme some coffee because thar's evil afoot!"

Of course they don't listen because bad things don't happen in the deep, dark woods. Soon, however, they start to think that something may just be a little odd as they make a discovery under the floor boards!

"Say--are we the Goonies?"

A box of ill-gotten loot soon leads to a startling revelation!

"DAMN! I shoulda listened to the creepy coffee guy!"

Now, somebody is awakened and looking for something they lost a while ago...

"That ain't Avon calling!"

...and it is time to raid that convenient tool shed over yonder...

"Hey! A chainsaw! Yep, it's officially a zombie flick!"

...to kick some evil Nazi Zombie butt!

Medical Student Preparing for Exams

This movie has a few problems but, over all, I really liked it. It does play to a few cliches (woods, college students, dark history, Nazi gold, chain saw, etc.) and there is a lot of gore. I mean A LOT OF GORE!! But this movie does deliver some surprisingly good acting for a schlocky film, and how can you really lose with Nazi zombies? If you love bad zombie movies, and I know you do, then it is worth owning. This is a movie that you will certainly enjoy watching again.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Mega Piranha (2010)

Ah yes! It is time for a new bad movie review! This summer, Nancy and I invited our friend Paul over for some bad movie goodness in the back yard. Nancy hung a couple of white sheets over the fence, we hooked up a projector to the laptop and viola! bad movies just like at the drive in (only we didn't have to sneak in the beer)! This was Paul's first experience in watching bad movies under the stars so we wanted to watch a particularly memorable cheese-flick so Mega Piranha came off the shelf. Nancy loves the "evil fish" genre and this one did not disappoint. Of course, it may have been the mead. Hmm.. lets just get to it!

"Here's a story..about a lovely lady.."

After an American diplomat and Venezuelean ambassador are mysteriously murdered on a South American river, the Secretary of State Bob Grady (Barry Williams) sends a Special Forces soldier named Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) to investigate.

"Where's your CSI now?"

Although the local government is blaming the deaths on terrorism, Fitch figures out that it's really genetically-mutated piranha that has been taking over the river and eating anything in their path.

"Dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum, dum!"

Joined by the scientist who mutated these fish, Sarah Monroe (Tiffany... yes, THAT Tiffany)...

"I 'Could've Been' a scientist!"

...Fitch attempts to stop the piranha attack in some of the most ridiculous ways possible...

"Take THAT! And THAT!"

...but the piranha ain't havin' any!

"FREEBIRD!"

And, they have seen Megashark vs. Giant Octopus!

GOTCHA!

Now, they are on the loose and growing larger as they head towards Miami for some tasty lunchable blue-plate special action! Oooh... scary!

Takin' Their Talents to South Beach

Yeah, this movie is really bad. First of all, piranha are not salt water fish! Of course they do start in the Amazon river, but how do they transition to salt water? Second, this movie goes to the well-worn plot chest and actually nukes the school--to no effect! I guess if they can withstand a nuclear blast, they should be able to adapt to saltwater. Case solved. Last, why would fish attack targets (especially buildings) on land?

Of course this movie does have its moments. My favorite part is when Paul Logan's character falls down on the bank of a river and proceeds to kick several leaping piranha to death! Also, the scenes where the fish are attacking the hotels on South Beach are hysterical. Still, I would not waste money on buying this movie but it is worth watching on NetFlicks.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

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Night of the Lepus (1972)

Oh yeah! It is time for yet another exciting bad movie review! The other night Nancy and I took a break from the joys and rigors of academia and watched Night of the Lepus; an older film about rampaging giant rabbits in the south west. When I first heard about this movie I immediately surfed over to Amazon and acquired a copy. I mean, what is not to love? FREAKIN' GIANT KILLER RABBITS!! Oh yeah, I knew this was going to be bad in that oh, so good way; life is good when the movies are bad!

Somewhere in the southwestern United States, a ranch is overrun by rabbits who are eating all the foliage and pitting the landscape with burrows that are a hazard to livestock. Unwilling to use poisons dangerous to the environment, a rancher asks two local research scientists for help.

"Y'all know anythin' 'bout rabbits?"

After collecting a few or the pesky rabbits for testing, the research scientists get to work on the problem.

"Let's pump 'em full of hormones. That'll teach 'em!"

Unfortunately, their daughter wants a furry friend who soon escapes and makes some new friends.

"I like you! I'm going to take you back to the ranch!"

After a few days, somebody notices something is amiss...

"Holy hoppin' hossenfefer!"

...and that terror has a new face!

"Where's yer Elmer Fudd now?"

Now, a ravenous pack of 150-pound hare-y monsters are on the rampage! Although the national guard uses guns, flames and dynamite to subtract them, these rampaging rabbits know how to multiply! How can the intrepid research scientists stop rabbits gone wild? Oooh.. scary...



Overall, I liked this movie. True, the special effects are bad but this movie was made in 1972. Yes, the daughter is creepy but this is the era of The Omen and children were often portrayed that way in the '70's. Still, I just love the idea of using normally harmless and endearing animals as monsters (I love Black Sheep for instance) and this movie does star DeForest Kelly (aka Bones on Star Trek). If you like schlocky monster movies (and we know you do), then this is worth picking up a copy for $5.

Rating: 3.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Megasnake (2007)

Awww yeah! Its time for another exciting installment of Bad Movie Safari! Last night Nancy and I sat down to enjoy some bad movies and cheap pizza in order to celebrate her 4.0 this semester! (Yay! Way to go, Lady!). So we delved into the DVD library and found Megasnake (2007); another bad movie we found in the $3 bin at the closing Hollywood Video store. When I saw this movie I thought, "Oh HELL yeah! Big bad evil snake on the rampage...Daniel from Stargate...what's not to like?" Nancy seems to really like evil snake movies (one of her favorites is Vipers) and this one delivered. Let's get to it.

Deep in the Tennessee woods, a group of pentecostal worshipers enjoy their right to free religious assembly...

"Praise the Lord and pass the rattler!"

Les Daniels (aka Michael Shanks) lives with a fear of snakes. As a child, his father was killed during a snake-handling church service. Yeah, I know. Still, I have seen worse back stories.

"I'm a wounded warrior!"

Les' brother, a snake-handling preacher, looks for something new to bring to service this Sunday.

"Eat yer heart out, First Baptist Church!"

In doing so, he accidentally unleashes a rare, extremely deadly mythical snake.

"I got yer Baptist right here, preacher boy!

Soon, the snake escapes into the small town and lunch is served!

"Mmm... I love lunchables!"

Now, Les must overcome his paralyzing fear to help protect his small town against a growing, deadly Megasnake! Ooohh... scary!

"THAT'S gonna leave a mark!"

Overall, this movie is pretty good! The special effects are really good for the forum, the story really isn't too bad, and there are a couple of genuinely funny moments. Unfortunately, there are a couple of drawbacks: (1) the acting is terrible (other than Michael Shanks) and (2) this movie is basically Gremlins in Tennessee--only not as good. The snake even comes with three rules that are ignored. Still, this movie is well worth owning for $3. If you get a chance to see it, do so.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Manticore (2005)

Aw yeah! It is time, once again, for another bad movie review! Last night Nancy and I decided to escape from the world for a while so I reached into the pile of unwatched movies and pulled out Manticore (2005). I found Manticore in a bin of $3 movies at a closing Hollywood Movies. It seems that all the Hollywood movie rental places are closing in Lubbock and the rumor is that the Blockbusters are soon to go as well. Hell, even Wal-Fart is cutting back on the movies they stock; I guess Netflicks is winning. Damn shame. I guess I'm old school enough to enjoy browsing the dust jackets in the hope that I can find something that I like but I had not expected. Oh well, c'est la guerre! Let's get to the review.

In war-torn Iraq, a group of American soldiers (lead by Robert Beltran, aka Voyager's Chakotay) struggle to do the right thing in a war zone. After catching some people stealing antiquities, they decide to let them go as a mob converges on their position. True to bad movie form, this will soon bite them in the ass.

"Yeah, Voyager sucked but I got paid!"

Released from the American soldiers, two artifact thieves flee to the desert with a special magic medallion for a mysterious malefactor who makes a little mojo...

"Them's lasers!"

Meanwhile, a meddlesome reporter sneaks to the north to a remote village in search of WMDs. She and the cameraman find something a little different...

"That ain't Marmaduke on yer six!"

Inevitably, that same band of American soldiers are sent to recover the reporter and her cameraman. When they get to the village, they find some clues that something might just be amiss..

"Get the Bactine!"

..and..

Evil Chickens gettin' it done!

Soon they realize that it might take a little more than just Evil Chickens to decimate a village..

"First you say it, then you do it!"

Now they must find a way to destroy an ancient evil and the maniacal warlord who unleashed it. Exciting, ain't it?

"Stop! Hammer time!"

Overall, this movie is pretty good! The acting is not bad, the special effects are good for the budget, and the fight scenes are fun. There is some gratuitous gore but these scenes do create some scary moments that made Nancy jump! If you can find it cheap its worth adding to the DVD library.

Rating: 3.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

For some reason, YouTube doesn't have a trailer for Manticore. In fact the only one I could find is on this Chase Masterson Official Fan Club Website. Enjoy!

Deep Shock (2003)

Oh yes! After a week off, due to an unscheduled illness, it is time for a new bad movie review! Woo hoo! The other night Nancy brought a new movie to the movie marathon: Deep Shock (2003). Now when I saw this I thought to myself, "Self! This movie is either going to rock or stink up the joint! Hmm.. mead.." I mean, what's not to love? Sea monsters running amok! Mead sitting right there in the fridge! Life is good! Overall, the mead was tasty and the movie.. well.. at least there were 'esplositions! Lets get to it.

Deep in the arctic ocean, a US submarine is on patrol. Suddenly, a mysterious sonar blip gets a little friendly.. too friendly..

What the Deuce?!?!?

Soon it becomes apparent that a mysterious trench has formed in the arctic ocean floor. The United Nations meet with a group of scientists in order to discuss the ramifications of this event. Needless to say, the science is divided on the issue..

"Its natural (like my hair color)! Lets study it!"

..and..

"Its EVIL (like me)! Lets nuke it!"

Unlike the real United Nations, they decide to cowboy-up and drop a few nukes. Fortunately, the scientific research station just happens to have a few on board (yeah, I know. Who keeps nukes on a scientific research lab? Just go with it.). This attracts the attention of the locals...

"Howdy neighbor! What ya'll doing over there?"

..and the locals ain't havin' any!

"NO NUKES! NO NUKES!

Now a submarine crew is sent to the underwater station to investigate and complete the mission. They soon discover that an ancient species of underwater predator has awakened and threatens to destroy humanity! Oooh! Scary!!

"Lets get it on! Ooh.."

Yeah this movie has issues. (1) Apparently, the sea monsters are eels--not the dragon in The Never Ending Story. (2) What is the deal with "nuke first, ask questions later" scientific attitude? And (3) the sea monsters can shoot electricity to either destroy a ship or communicate via some electronic IM service. Come on.. make up your mind!

Still, this movie does have some good moments and the bad guy does pay the price for his nefarious ways in a truly satisfactory manner. Also the special effects are pretty good, overall. However, it does violate one of my main pet peeves: the cover art has nothing to do with the movie. All in all, it is worth a $.49 rental if you are avoiding productivity.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob