Ice Spiders (2007)

Uh-oh! Its time again for another bad movie review! Yes, I owe a paper to Liz and yes, I owe a peer review on a paper that may be published and yes, I do have the dissertation looming but hey! Procrastination prevails and you get to suffer through a review of the latest lamest in a string of bad movies to plague us all.

Nancy and I sat down to watch Ice Spiders which she found in the $2 bin of that closing video store. Now, she has been licking her chops at the chance to watch a bad movie with me that has evil spiders in it. Why? I suffer from a mild case of arachnophobia (btw--another good, bad movie) which she finds amusing. Nancy, why do you hate the handicapped? Still, we watched it and I survived (mostly unscathed) with only mild nightmares. Fortunately, the spiders were so unrealistic that my nightmares centered on a wasted $2 and sooo many cheeseburgers and... well... this ain't Dr. Phil so we had better get to the review.

A young ski team training for the Olympics arrives at the remote and isolated Lost Mountain Ski Resort (yeah.. that's good writin' there, Lou!) to focus on training. Hey! It's all about the children, right?

Dude! I, like, rock and stuff!

They're thrilled, THRILLED I tell you, to discover that a retired Olympic skier (named Dash for God's sake) is there to help them train.

Hi! I'm Dash Dashiell; all-around Man of Action!

Alas! Their skiing plans hit the skids when a scientist, dressed in pink, from a nearby secret lab arrives to warn them of trouble (that starts with "T" and rhymes with "P"... etc.) to come.

The Pink Scientist warns the hill folk

Meanwhile, someone is looking over the menu...

Mmmm... Stoners...

Soon, everyone realizes that a top secret Government project has escaped and lunch is served!

Nom, nom, nom, nom...

Dash has to cowboy-up and he ain't havin' any!

Gittin' it done with the tools at hand!

Panic ensues as giant spiders run amok!

Gonna getcha!

It's all up to Dash to lead the eight-legged menace away so everyone else can escape their webs of doom! Exciting, ain't it!

Shelob on yer six!

Yeah, this movie has issues. First, the acting is pretty bad; not Sharks in Venice bad, but still pretty bad. Second, the special effects are bad; not Sharks in Venice bad, but still pretty bad. And third, the dialogue is really blase and trite. Not... well you get the picture: Sharks in Venice is BAD and this movie is only slightly better. Still, it does have a couple scary moments and The Pink Doctor is almost believable. Its worth a $.49 rental if you are dodging your dissertation.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5.

-Safari Bob