Saturday, April 3, 2010

Sharks in Venice

Last night was date night so, after Nancy and I went to dinner, it was time for a bad movie! By the way, we discovered where all the old hippies in Lubbock go to party (until 6pm). Apparently, they all go to Melt during First Friday Art Walk and listen to a bad Simon & Garfunkel cover band. Yeah, I too was shocked to learn that a Simon & Garfunkel cover band still exists! At least they were kind enough to play REALLY LOUD so no one had to wear their hearing aids. I thought that was very considerate of them, but I digress.

Last night Nancy and I watched Sharks in Venice starring your hero and mine, Stephen Baldwin! I know what you are thinking, O' Gentle Reader, but I assure you, this movie was much, much worse.

Hey! I'M the hero here!

Traveling to Venice in order to investigate the mysterious diving death of his father, David (Stephen Baldwin), apparently a famous archaeologist and world-renown diver with daddy issues, soon makes a startling discovery:

"I'll give you SUCH a pinch!"

Oops! Wrong slide. Here we go:

Stock video of sharks are loose in the Venetian canals!

While trying to find the body of his father, David is soon attacked by more stock video of sharks eating all kinds of fish (and even a few bodies). Conveniently, David notices a strange hole in a tunnel while fleeing the strange footage of sharks swimming somewhere in the Caribbean sea (I guess its supposed to be right there in the canal and therefore scary) and discovers the fabled treasure of the Medici! Oooh! Exciting, ain't it!

With no other way out, David is forced to brave the sharks as he swims for blessed freedom! During his frantic egress, he is savaged by more stock video of sharks! During the battle, David's leg seems to get torn off and blood is everywhere. Yet when he wakes up in the hospital, not only is he physically fine but he is even wearing the same shirt! Forget our intrepid hero, that's one tough-ass shirt!

Soon, the mafia is all over him to retrieve the treasure. This leads to all kinds of really bad chase scenes while more sharks run amok in the canals.

That ain't the moon hittin' yer eye, buddy!

This movie is terrible; not quite Vampires vs. Zombies bad, but certainly in the Gingerdead Man range. Most all of the shark scenes are stock video from Natural Geographic specials and the inconsistencies throughout are too numerous to list here. This movie may be worth the rental price if watched while intoxicated.

Rating: 1 Bite out of 5

-Safari Bob

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