Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Kiss of the Vampire

There I was, innocently walking through the local Blockbuster and looking through the 5 movies for $20 bin when, all of a sudden, there it was! Kiss of the Vampire! I thought to myself, "Self! Right there is a bad movie that just might be worth $4." I was wrong.

Upon reflection, I was simply duped. I imagined a movie chalk-full of vicious vampires victimizing voluptuous vixens while various valiants vie for victory versus the vile villains! Alas! Unfortunately, this video represents more brooding vampires wishing they were mortal while some human women wishes that he would just bite her and carry her away. At least there is no sparkling in the sun.

Oooh!! I'm Alex, the pensive vampire!

In a small sleepy Midwestern town, Alex (the Pensive Vampire) meets Estelle ("Oh look! My neck is exposed! Oh well..") at an opera (yeah, an OPERA for God's sake) and falls in love. As it happens, Estelle's father is a top scientist researching an approach to immortality for... wait for it....

The Illuminati!!

Using his love for Estelle as a negotiating chip, the evil Illuminati promise Alex (the Pensive Vampire) that they will find a cure for his vampirism in exchange for his bite to immortality. You see, that is how the nefarious Illuminati roll, yo! Well, don't take my word for it; here is a nifty chart that depicts the depth of scheming nastiness perpetrated by the Illuminati:

Scientific Chart of Illuminati Nastiness

Soon, an unholy war rages between the evil Illuminati and the Vampires. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) is caught between a coven of vampires who all have seen that Twisted Sister video from the '80's and the local Midwestern chapter of the ever evil Illuminati hell-bent on immortal orneriness. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) has to get a little butch.

Alex (The Pensive Vampire) all Butch

This movie is really, really bad. The fight scenes are slow (apparently vampires are polite enough to spit and prance about while you reload), both the plot and dialogue is trite and tired (Estelle is an artist, of course), and the special effects are terrible. The best part is Costas Mandylor (The Slow and Wooden) as a Van Helsing knock-off.

Where's Your Grosse Pointe Blank Now?

Save your money and stay away! If it were not for Vampires vs. Zombies and Twilight, this would be the worst vampire movie to date.

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

No comments:

Post a Comment