Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Vampires vs. Zombies

Tonight I watched a bad movie. Now, I love bad movies--God knows how many I own--but tonight I saw a movie so bad that I had to start a blog in order to warn the world to STAY AWAY! If one person can be spared this dreadful pile O' shyte, well... then I will call this blog a success.

When I saw the disk cover for Vampires vs. Zombies I was a little excited. Think of it! Vampires biting on zombies... zombies eating vampires... big guns... scantily-clad young coeds... a chainsaw or two if I was really lucky... but alas! No luck! Well, there were some scantily-clad young coeds but it is simply not enough to save this abysmal movie. Let me explain.

First of all, there were no chainsaws. Now, I enjoy many bad movies without chainsaws but, although this production wanted one, it instead ended up with a hedge trimmer. A HEDGE TRIMMER!?!?!?

One can only assume that the high cost of a K-Mart chainsaw (with oil and fuel) would only push the cost of the film over its $300 budget. Still, I might believe it except for the scene where this hedge trimmer was wielded against 10 zombies at once and limbs were flying about.

Second, the fight scenes were terrible. Now, I am not talking bad like when in Buffy the Vampire Slayer the vampires would just wait their turn until she was ready to stake 'em, oh no! I'm talking bad punches, obviously weak kicks, and lame sliding across the hood of the car to attack a Kenny Rodgers look-a-like called "the General."

Yeah, not even remotely believable. I mean, come on! I like Kenny Rogers as much as the next guy but why not at least pony up for a Gallagher impersonator; heck, he could even bring his own mallet!

Last, the plot was murky (at best). The viewers are presented with two dueling images that may mean either (1) the lead chick is in the middle of a Deliverance-inspired undead hoe-down or (2) she is in a mental ward (a la Gothika) and hallucinating it all. In the end, who really cares?

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

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