War Gods of the Deep (1965)

Ah yes! It is time for another bad movie review! The other day Nancy and I took a break from the ever present thesis and dissertation that continue to loom and watched War Gods of the Deep. Nancy is a big fan of Vincent Price, that Magnificent Master of the Macabre, and she has been wanting to watch it for some time. Truly he has starred in so many films that are apropos for this blog! Now let's get to it!

When a slimy, gilled monster from the deep slinks into an old British mansion with a dark past to kidnap a beautiful young woman (Susan Hart), her rather monolithic boyfriend (Tab Hunter) rises to the challenge. Enlisting the aid of a walking stereotype of the British aristocrat (David Tomlinson) and his trusty hen sidekick (Herbert), Hunter sets off in search of his lady faire.

Trained Attack Hen at Repose

Soon the encounter a strange mad man who lives in an ancient city under the sea near the old mansion...

"I put the 'cool' in creepy!

...who likes his women drugged, bound and laid out on a trite stone altar!

"Not a bad first date!"

Now, Hunter and Herbert must rescue Jill by navigating the arcane , ancient labyrinth...

"So... where's the bar?"

...and the cold, deep sea (in primo Steampunk fashion)...

"I TOLD you to go BEFORE we left!"

...before a convenient volcano unleashes its hellish justice on the decadent denizens of the deep!

"I'm the last British volcano.Fear my crumpets!"

Yeah, this movie shows its age. The characters are all stereotypes for Saturday afternoon matinee. Still, I really enjoyed it. Sure the special effects are cheesy and the plot is completely inane but I harbor a nostalgic love this early sci-fi. Also, Herbert is my hero. Rent a copy, roast some popcorn (with real butter) and sit back while you escape into a worthy afternoon sci-fi classic.

Rating: 3 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Sharktopus (2010)

So Tuesday I am walking around Wal-Fart while nursing my bad arm and what do I see? Sharktopus! Nancy and I have been eagerly awaiting the release of this movie; I mean, what's not to love here? We both tend to like the "genetically altered monster escapes and wrecks bloody revenge upon a deserving and unsuspecting humanity" genre of bad movies. Lately we have been hitting the shark movies a little hard, however, and we need to shift gears a bit. In any case, let's get to it!

It is known as S-11, a diabolical hybrid of shark and octopus created by the greedy genetic scientist, Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts), as the US Navy's next super-weapon. Yeah, that's a good idea.

"Oops! Did you say the RED button?"

When its control implants are damaged during a training experiment, S-11 escapes. Where to you ask? Where else but Puerto Vallarta for a little fun in the sun and the sand? Oh, and maybe for a little something else...

"Well, hel-LLOO there!"

Now a hotshot mercenary/frat boy and Sands' own daughter must stop S-11 from having too much fun in the Mexican sun...

"I got yer Jaws right here, frat boy!"

...as he "nom-noms" his way through the Puerto Vallarta party scene located on the sea...

"Nothing to see here. Move along..."

...at the dock...

"You want somma dis?"

...and even at the resort!

"SURPRISE!! I can walk on land!"

Yeah, this movie has some really funny parts even though the acting is terrible. TERRIBLE! I'm talkin' Sharks in Venice bad. The hero really acted like he would rather be doing shots the whole time and I never could see him as an ex-Navy Seal. Still, the special effects were pretty good. It is worth renting or grabbing a used copy for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus (2010)

Oh yes! The other night Nancy and I decided to avoid our respective projects and popped Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus into the ole (over used) DVD player. Now, O Gentle Reader, I can not lie to you. I was looking forward to this one because I laughed so hard during Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus that I had to get a towel (the specifics of which I will leave to your refined imagination). Suffice it to say that this flick had some lows to live down to and it succeeded. Lets get to it!

We start with a US Navy Lt (Jaleel White aka Urkel) who is a shark expert looking for new ways to protect divers from the nefarious plotting of sharks. As he experiments with sonic deterrents, an old friend shows up!

"YEE-Haw! I'm evolved enough to eat metal!"

Meanwhile an intrepid hero (Gary Stretch), known for tracking down exotic animals, is hired to investigate the disappearance of some 50+ miners who are digging coal in the Congo.

"Yeah, I wear a fedora. So what?"

There he finds the mother lode--of nasty crocosaurus goodness!

"I like the night life! I like to boogie!"

Soon the US military gets involved and they send their best Admiral to get rid of that pesky shark and any other unnaturally large critters that they might run in to.

"Please state the nature of your mega fauna emergency."

Now a mega shark and a 1500 ft long crocosaurus are on the rampage while pursued around the globe by a rag-tag team of experts...

They're in Panama.. no Miami.. no Hawaii..

..and the world is on the menu!

"Did I miss the exit?"

Yeah, this movie is some serious cheese. The special effects are pretty bad--kind of like the first one--and the mega shark jumps out of the water to get a plane again. Of course, this time it is an F-16 but the streak continues. Also those monsters can flat out move! The croc starts in Africa then proceeds to Miami, Orlando, the Panama Canal, and then Hawaii all in the same day--while laying thousands of eggs! Still, it is better than the original and it is worth picking up a used copy for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu (2009)

Ah yes! It has been too long since the last bad movie review but we have a good one... er... bad one... er... you know what I mean. Today I took a break from the dissertation to watch The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu and it is fun. I enjoy the works of H.P. Lovecraft and there are some great movies of his works. For instance, the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society has produced a great silent rendition of The Call of Cthulhu and the have another movie based on Lovecraft's work coming soon. Of course, those are fine films not suited for this blog. The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu, on the other hand, is right at home here. Now lets get to it!

Mild-mannered, timid Jeff spends his days stuck in a nowhere job along with his buddy Charlie until they learn that Jeff is the last living heir of H.P. Lovecraft. Then things get a little fishy...

Oh come on.. you knew I was going to use "fishy" somewhere...

As the last heir of ole HP, he receives part of an ancient relic that, when combined with the other piece, can unlock Cthulhu from his watery tomb.

(This cost 90% of the SE budget...)

Our intrepid heroes enlist the aid of a childhood friend--Paul--who, thanks to a life-long passion of all things nerdy, knows about these things...

"Where's the CHEE-toes!"

...and they embark on an adventure to combat a nameless evil that lives under the sea!



Oops! Wrong picture... here we go...

Hmm.. not much difference...

Now it is a battle against an ancient foe hell-bent on destroying mankind and our heroes have to step up and save the world--with extreme prejudice!

Jeff, Gittin' it Done!

Although I liked this movie, it does have some problems not the least of which is all the shots of Cthulhu are drawn in a comic book style. Not a cool Dave Gibbons-like treatment of squiddy ultimate monsters but more like something from Casper the Friendly Ghost. Yeah, that's right. I used the term "squiddy". In addition, the most believable character is actually Paul even though he seems to be the dispenser of convenient Lovecraft lore. In full disclosure I must admit that I know a few guys like him.

Still, this movie is enjoyable. I like the cheesy special effects--especially the latex/foam rubber squid arms--and the corny dialogue. Overall, it is worth picking up a used copy on Amazon for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob