Snakeman aka The Snake King (2005)

Ah yes! It is time for another trek through the bad movie section of your local video store! This installment is of a movie so nice, they named it twice: Snakeman aka The Snake King starring your buddy and mine, Stephen Baldwin. Oh yes, fresh off of our review of Sharks in Venice--and the role Stephen Baldwin was born to play--we are going to have a look at Anaconda.. er.. Snakeman! Yeah, Snakeman... definiately NOT Anaconda... yeah...

Incidentally, have you ever performed a Google search for "Snakeman"? Whew! You get some really strange pictures I can assure you. I mean, I expected to find pictures of Jake "The Snake" Roberts, but THIS guy?

It's Important to Floss!

Anyway, lets get to the review.

In a remote corner of the Amazon (um.. not the e-store but the jungle), a team of archaeologists discover a perfectly preserved corpse of an ancient warrior who lived to be over 300 years old. Gentech (aka Big Pharma wannabe), sends a team of its top scientists to discover the secret. Now, everyone knows that scientists are not well versed in jungle survival, so what do they do? They call in the big guns!

Hi. I'm a manly man; just ask me.

When a violent storm forces their helicopter to crash in the jungle, the exploration team runs into the local Welcome Wagon--and they ain't havin' any!

"This land is our land, this land ain't your land..."

Lost and on the run, our band of intrepid explorers soon discover a terror previously unknown to modern man...

That ain't Lady Gaga (um.. I think) on yer six!

Soon, the snakey-sultan-of-slaying gets to work and supper is served!

Hey! Personal space!

As the decimated band of scientists flee the pursuing carnage, they come face-to-face with the tribe that holds the secret to both serpentine death and eternal life! Exciting, ain't it!



Overall, this movie is not too bad. The special effects are ok and there are a few scary moments. Still, it does get a little preachy at the end (you know, evil modern man against the noble savage and all). It is worth the rental price just to see Stephen Baldwin get smacked around a bit.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

(The only trailer I could find is German; it's actually an improvement)

Sharks in Venice

Last night was date night so, after Nancy and I went to dinner, it was time for a bad movie! By the way, we discovered where all the old hippies in Lubbock go to party (until 6pm). Apparently, they all go to Melt during First Friday Art Walk and listen to a bad Simon & Garfunkel cover band. Yeah, I too was shocked to learn that a Simon & Garfunkel cover band still exists! At least they were kind enough to play REALLY LOUD so no one had to wear their hearing aids. I thought that was very considerate of them, but I digress.

Last night Nancy and I watched Sharks in Venice starring your hero and mine, Stephen Baldwin! I know what you are thinking, O' Gentle Reader, but I assure you, this movie was much, much worse.

Hey! I'M the hero here!

Traveling to Venice in order to investigate the mysterious diving death of his father, David (Stephen Baldwin), apparently a famous archaeologist and world-renown diver with daddy issues, soon makes a startling discovery:

"I'll give you SUCH a pinch!"

Oops! Wrong slide. Here we go:

Stock video of sharks are loose in the Venetian canals!

While trying to find the body of his father, David is soon attacked by more stock video of sharks eating all kinds of fish (and even a few bodies). Conveniently, David notices a strange hole in a tunnel while fleeing the strange footage of sharks swimming somewhere in the Caribbean sea (I guess its supposed to be right there in the canal and therefore scary) and discovers the fabled treasure of the Medici! Oooh! Exciting, ain't it!



With no other way out, David is forced to brave the sharks as he swims for blessed freedom! During his frantic egress, he is savaged by more stock video of sharks! During the battle, David's leg seems to get torn off and blood is everywhere. Yet when he wakes up in the hospital, not only is he physically fine but he is even wearing the same shirt! Forget our intrepid hero, that's one tough-ass shirt!



Soon, the mafia is all over him to retrieve the treasure. This leads to all kinds of really bad chase scenes while more sharks run amok in the canals.

That ain't the moon hittin' yer eye, buddy!

This movie is terrible; not quite Vampires vs. Zombies bad, but certainly in the Gingerdead Man range. Most all of the shark scenes are stock video from Natural Geographic specials and the inconsistencies throughout are too numerous to list here. This movie may be worth the rental price if watched while intoxicated.

Rating: 1 Bite out of 5

-Safari Bob