Sharktopus (2010)

So Tuesday I am walking around Wal-Fart while nursing my bad arm and what do I see? Sharktopus! Nancy and I have been eagerly awaiting the release of this movie; I mean, what's not to love here? We both tend to like the "genetically altered monster escapes and wrecks bloody revenge upon a deserving and unsuspecting humanity" genre of bad movies. Lately we have been hitting the shark movies a little hard, however, and we need to shift gears a bit. In any case, let's get to it!

It is known as S-11, a diabolical hybrid of shark and octopus created by the greedy genetic scientist, Nathan Sands (Eric Roberts), as the US Navy's next super-weapon. Yeah, that's a good idea.

"Oops! Did you say the RED button?"

When its control implants are damaged during a training experiment, S-11 escapes. Where to you ask? Where else but Puerto Vallarta for a little fun in the sun and the sand? Oh, and maybe for a little something else...

"Well, hel-LLOO there!"

Now a hotshot mercenary/frat boy and Sands' own daughter must stop S-11 from having too much fun in the Mexican sun...

"I got yer Jaws right here, frat boy!"

...as he "nom-noms" his way through the Puerto Vallarta party scene located on the sea...

"Nothing to see here. Move along..."

...at the dock...

"You want somma dis?"

...and even at the resort!

"SURPRISE!! I can walk on land!"

Yeah, this movie has some really funny parts even though the acting is terrible. TERRIBLE! I'm talkin' Sharks in Venice bad. The hero really acted like he would rather be doing shots the whole time and I never could see him as an ex-Navy Seal. Still, the special effects were pretty good. It is worth renting or grabbing a used copy for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Mega Shark versus Crocosaurus (2010)

Oh yes! The other night Nancy and I decided to avoid our respective projects and popped Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus into the ole (over used) DVD player. Now, O Gentle Reader, I can not lie to you. I was looking forward to this one because I laughed so hard during Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus that I had to get a towel (the specifics of which I will leave to your refined imagination). Suffice it to say that this flick had some lows to live down to and it succeeded. Lets get to it!

We start with a US Navy Lt (Jaleel White aka Urkel) who is a shark expert looking for new ways to protect divers from the nefarious plotting of sharks. As he experiments with sonic deterrents, an old friend shows up!

"YEE-Haw! I'm evolved enough to eat metal!"

Meanwhile an intrepid hero (Gary Stretch), known for tracking down exotic animals, is hired to investigate the disappearance of some 50+ miners who are digging coal in the Congo.

"Yeah, I wear a fedora. So what?"

There he finds the mother lode--of nasty crocosaurus goodness!

"I like the night life! I like to boogie!"

Soon the US military gets involved and they send their best Admiral to get rid of that pesky shark and any other unnaturally large critters that they might run in to.

"Please state the nature of your mega fauna emergency."

Now a mega shark and a 1500 ft long crocosaurus are on the rampage while pursued around the globe by a rag-tag team of experts...

They're in Panama.. no Miami.. no Hawaii..

..and the world is on the menu!

"Did I miss the exit?"

Yeah, this movie is some serious cheese. The special effects are pretty bad--kind of like the first one--and the mega shark jumps out of the water to get a plane again. Of course, this time it is an F-16 but the streak continues. Also those monsters can flat out move! The croc starts in Africa then proceeds to Miami, Orlando, the Panama Canal, and then Hawaii all in the same day--while laying thousands of eggs! Still, it is better than the original and it is worth picking up a used copy for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu (2009)

Ah yes! It has been too long since the last bad movie review but we have a good one... er... bad one... er... you know what I mean. Today I took a break from the dissertation to watch The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu and it is fun. I enjoy the works of H.P. Lovecraft and there are some great movies of his works. For instance, the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society has produced a great silent rendition of The Call of Cthulhu and the have another movie based on Lovecraft's work coming soon. Of course, those are fine films not suited for this blog. The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu, on the other hand, is right at home here. Now lets get to it!

Mild-mannered, timid Jeff spends his days stuck in a nowhere job along with his buddy Charlie until they learn that Jeff is the last living heir of H.P. Lovecraft. Then things get a little fishy...

Oh come on.. you knew I was going to use "fishy" somewhere...

As the last heir of ole HP, he receives part of an ancient relic that, when combined with the other piece, can unlock Cthulhu from his watery tomb.

(This cost 90% of the SE budget...)

Our intrepid heroes enlist the aid of a childhood friend--Paul--who, thanks to a life-long passion of all things nerdy, knows about these things...

"Where's the CHEE-toes!"

...and they embark on an adventure to combat a nameless evil that lives under the sea!



Oops! Wrong picture... here we go...

Hmm.. not much difference...

Now it is a battle against an ancient foe hell-bent on destroying mankind and our heroes have to step up and save the world--with extreme prejudice!

Jeff, Gittin' it Done!

Although I liked this movie, it does have some problems not the least of which is all the shots of Cthulhu are drawn in a comic book style. Not a cool Dave Gibbons-like treatment of squiddy ultimate monsters but more like something from Casper the Friendly Ghost. Yeah, that's right. I used the term "squiddy". In addition, the most believable character is actually Paul even though he seems to be the dispenser of convenient Lovecraft lore. In full disclosure I must admit that I know a few guys like him.

Still, this movie is enjoyable. I like the cheesy special effects--especially the latex/foam rubber squid arms--and the corny dialogue. Overall, it is worth picking up a used copy on Amazon for a couple of bucks.

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Mega Piranha (2010)

Ah yes! It is time for a new bad movie review! This summer, Nancy and I invited our friend Paul over for some bad movie goodness in the back yard. Nancy hung a couple of white sheets over the fence, we hooked up a projector to the laptop and viola! bad movies just like at the drive in (only we didn't have to sneak in the beer)! This was Paul's first experience in watching bad movies under the stars so we wanted to watch a particularly memorable cheese-flick so Mega Piranha came off the shelf. Nancy loves the "evil fish" genre and this one did not disappoint. Of course, it may have been the mead. Hmm.. lets just get to it!

"Here's a story..about a lovely lady.."

After an American diplomat and Venezuelean ambassador are mysteriously murdered on a South American river, the Secretary of State Bob Grady (Barry Williams) sends a Special Forces soldier named Jason Fitch (Paul Logan) to investigate.

"Where's your CSI now?"

Although the local government is blaming the deaths on terrorism, Fitch figures out that it's really genetically-mutated piranha that has been taking over the river and eating anything in their path.

"Dum, dum! Dum, dum, dum, dum!"

Joined by the scientist who mutated these fish, Sarah Monroe (Tiffany... yes, THAT Tiffany)...

"I 'Could've Been' a scientist!"

...Fitch attempts to stop the piranha attack in some of the most ridiculous ways possible...

"Take THAT! And THAT!"

...but the piranha ain't havin' any!

"FREEBIRD!"

And, they have seen Megashark vs. Giant Octopus!

GOTCHA!

Now, they are on the loose and growing larger as they head towards Miami for some tasty lunchable blue-plate special action! Oooh... scary!

Takin' Their Talents to South Beach

Yeah, this movie is really bad. First of all, piranha are not salt water fish! Of course they do start in the Amazon river, but how do they transition to salt water? Second, this movie goes to the well-worn plot chest and actually nukes the school--to no effect! I guess if they can withstand a nuclear blast, they should be able to adapt to saltwater. Case solved. Last, why would fish attack targets (especially buildings) on land?

Of course this movie does have its moments. My favorite part is when Paul Logan's character falls down on the bank of a river and proceeds to kick several leaping piranha to death! Also, the scenes where the fish are attacking the hotels on South Beach are hysterical. Still, I would not waste money on buying this movie but it is worth watching on NetFlicks.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Oh yes, folks! It is time for another installment of Bad Movie Safari! Today we are going to watch bad clips of
Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus! Now, I know what you are saying... "No! Not another bad movie review! I mean, don't you have a dissertation or something to write?" Ah yes, O' Gentle Reader, but I also know deep in the places you don't like to talk about that you want me on that wall..you need me on that wall.. Besides, if I were not writing these movie reviews I may actually have to do some work. Who needs that? Now let's get to it!

Millions of years ago, two titans are frozen in a glacier during mortal combat! The U.S. Navy, while experimenting with new sonar technology, accidentally releases the gigantic terrors from their icy prison and upon the world! Soon, carcasses of whales begin to surface and this attacks the attention of a renegade marine biologist (80's Pop-Star Deborah Gibson) who now believes that the world is fracked. Yeah, I know, but stay with me here.

Yay! I made pee-pee!

Soon, the world takes notice as all the coastlines are being terrorized by the deadly denizens of the deep, dark past!

Nom, nom, nom!

Not to be out done by his arch-nemesis, Evil Octopus decides to one-up ole Megashark and open a can of delicious whoop-ass on the US Navy!

Everyone needs a hobby!

Megashark says, "I see your nuclear submarine and raise you... A 767 AIRLINER!"




Evil Octopus looks on with envy at Megashark and says, "Oh no, you didn't! It's ON like DONKEY KONG!"

Aha! Take THAT! And THAT!

Overall, this movie is pretty good. It does drag in places and it does star mega-bore Lorenzo Lamas. Frankly, there are some really ridiculous moments (like the Megashark gettin' on that airliner). Still, it does have some surprisingly good twists. For instance, Debbie Gibson's character does fall for someone in the movie but its not Lamas' character; she actually falls for the nerdy Japanese scientist! Also, the special effects are not that bad for the budget. It is worth the rental fee just to laugh at Lamas trying to be all butch.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Sharks in Venice

Last night was date night so, after Nancy and I went to dinner, it was time for a bad movie! By the way, we discovered where all the old hippies in Lubbock go to party (until 6pm). Apparently, they all go to Melt during First Friday Art Walk and listen to a bad Simon & Garfunkel cover band. Yeah, I too was shocked to learn that a Simon & Garfunkel cover band still exists! At least they were kind enough to play REALLY LOUD so no one had to wear their hearing aids. I thought that was very considerate of them, but I digress.

Last night Nancy and I watched Sharks in Venice starring your hero and mine, Stephen Baldwin! I know what you are thinking, O' Gentle Reader, but I assure you, this movie was much, much worse.

Hey! I'M the hero here!

Traveling to Venice in order to investigate the mysterious diving death of his father, David (Stephen Baldwin), apparently a famous archaeologist and world-renown diver with daddy issues, soon makes a startling discovery:

"I'll give you SUCH a pinch!"

Oops! Wrong slide. Here we go:

Stock video of sharks are loose in the Venetian canals!

While trying to find the body of his father, David is soon attacked by more stock video of sharks eating all kinds of fish (and even a few bodies). Conveniently, David notices a strange hole in a tunnel while fleeing the strange footage of sharks swimming somewhere in the Caribbean sea (I guess its supposed to be right there in the canal and therefore scary) and discovers the fabled treasure of the Medici! Oooh! Exciting, ain't it!



With no other way out, David is forced to brave the sharks as he swims for blessed freedom! During his frantic egress, he is savaged by more stock video of sharks! During the battle, David's leg seems to get torn off and blood is everywhere. Yet when he wakes up in the hospital, not only is he physically fine but he is even wearing the same shirt! Forget our intrepid hero, that's one tough-ass shirt!



Soon, the mafia is all over him to retrieve the treasure. This leads to all kinds of really bad chase scenes while more sharks run amok in the canals.

That ain't the moon hittin' yer eye, buddy!

This movie is terrible; not quite Vampires vs. Zombies bad, but certainly in the Gingerdead Man range. Most all of the shark scenes are stock video from Natural Geographic specials and the inconsistencies throughout are too numerous to list here. This movie may be worth the rental price if watched while intoxicated.

Rating: 1 Bite out of 5

-Safari Bob

Frankenfish

Last night Nancy and I enjoyed a Sunday night tradition: A bad movie and bad pizza from Little Caesars. You know, upon reflection Little Caesars pizza is a lot like bad movies: (1) its cheap ($5 for a cheese or pepperoni), (2) you hope that no one you know sees you with it, and (3) even if you wanted to, there is no where to sit and enjoy it where you get it (ie no theater release). But I digress.

So last night we watched Frankenfish, a movie that Nancy found at a closing video rental store for $2. I really hate seeing the local video rental stores going out of business; there are so many movies out there that seem to get little or no attention and I like cruising the aisles and reading the jackets. For instance, I had never heard of this movie but I am sure glad Nancy found it! I mean, mon Dieu! It's a freakin' Frankenstein fish! C'est si bon!



A big-town Medical Examiner is forced to go back to his Louisiana Bayou past when a fisherman is found floating half-eaten in the swamp. Alligator you ask? Oh no... if only...



A vicious school of genetically-engineered Asian Snakehead fish have escaped illegal import into the Louisiana Bayou. Local officials are baffled as they scramble to uncover the cause of carnage along the Cajun canals! Following a trail of mangled bodies along the river bank, our intrepid ME (local football hero made good) and his bikini-wearing biologist bombshell battle the bellicose bohemoths in the bayou boondocks!



Oooohhhh!!! Scccaarrryyy!!!

This schlocky film has it all! Big bad fish run amok, an annoying lawyer that needs a good comeuppance, a voodoo lady with a penchant for prognosticating impending peril, and a rich 'great white hunter' wanna be that pays the price for his lack of vision. Sharpen-up your sushi knife and fire-up the Netflix, this movie is great fun and worth the rental!

Rating: 3.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob