Megasnake (2007)

Awww yeah! Its time for another exciting installment of Bad Movie Safari! Last night Nancy and I sat down to enjoy some bad movies and cheap pizza in order to celebrate her 4.0 this semester! (Yay! Way to go, Lady!). So we delved into the DVD library and found Megasnake (2007); another bad movie we found in the $3 bin at the closing Hollywood Video store. When I saw this movie I thought, "Oh HELL yeah! Big bad evil snake on the rampage...Daniel from Stargate...what's not to like?" Nancy seems to really like evil snake movies (one of her favorites is Vipers) and this one delivered. Let's get to it.

Deep in the Tennessee woods, a group of pentecostal worshipers enjoy their right to free religious assembly...

"Praise the Lord and pass the rattler!"

Les Daniels (aka Michael Shanks) lives with a fear of snakes. As a child, his father was killed during a snake-handling church service. Yeah, I know. Still, I have seen worse back stories.

"I'm a wounded warrior!"

Les' brother, a snake-handling preacher, looks for something new to bring to service this Sunday.

"Eat yer heart out, First Baptist Church!"

In doing so, he accidentally unleashes a rare, extremely deadly mythical snake.

"I got yer Baptist right here, preacher boy!

Soon, the snake escapes into the small town and lunch is served!

"Mmm... I love lunchables!"

Now, Les must overcome his paralyzing fear to help protect his small town against a growing, deadly Megasnake! Ooohh... scary!

"THAT'S gonna leave a mark!"

Overall, this movie is pretty good! The special effects are really good for the forum, the story really isn't too bad, and there are a couple of genuinely funny moments. Unfortunately, there are a couple of drawbacks: (1) the acting is terrible (other than Michael Shanks) and (2) this movie is basically Gremlins in Tennessee--only not as good. The snake even comes with three rules that are ignored. Still, this movie is well worth owning for $3. If you get a chance to see it, do so.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Snakeman aka The Snake King (2005)

Ah yes! It is time for another trek through the bad movie section of your local video store! This installment is of a movie so nice, they named it twice: Snakeman aka The Snake King starring your buddy and mine, Stephen Baldwin. Oh yes, fresh off of our review of Sharks in Venice--and the role Stephen Baldwin was born to play--we are going to have a look at Anaconda.. er.. Snakeman! Yeah, Snakeman... definiately NOT Anaconda... yeah...

Incidentally, have you ever performed a Google search for "Snakeman"? Whew! You get some really strange pictures I can assure you. I mean, I expected to find pictures of Jake "The Snake" Roberts, but THIS guy?

It's Important to Floss!

Anyway, lets get to the review.

In a remote corner of the Amazon (um.. not the e-store but the jungle), a team of archaeologists discover a perfectly preserved corpse of an ancient warrior who lived to be over 300 years old. Gentech (aka Big Pharma wannabe), sends a team of its top scientists to discover the secret. Now, everyone knows that scientists are not well versed in jungle survival, so what do they do? They call in the big guns!

Hi. I'm a manly man; just ask me.

When a violent storm forces their helicopter to crash in the jungle, the exploration team runs into the local Welcome Wagon--and they ain't havin' any!

"This land is our land, this land ain't your land..."

Lost and on the run, our band of intrepid explorers soon discover a terror previously unknown to modern man...

That ain't Lady Gaga (um.. I think) on yer six!

Soon, the snakey-sultan-of-slaying gets to work and supper is served!

Hey! Personal space!

As the decimated band of scientists flee the pursuing carnage, they come face-to-face with the tribe that holds the secret to both serpentine death and eternal life! Exciting, ain't it!



Overall, this movie is not too bad. The special effects are ok and there are a few scary moments. Still, it does get a little preachy at the end (you know, evil modern man against the noble savage and all). It is worth the rental price just to see Stephen Baldwin get smacked around a bit.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

(The only trailer I could find is German; it's actually an improvement)

Vipers

Oh yes, it is time for one of Nancy's favorite schlocky movies: Vipers! Nancy found this rare gem at Wal-Mart (of all places) and was kind enough to bring it home for a date night (you gotta love a woman that brings schlocky movies to date night!). When I saw the cover I was a little skeptical; after all, sure... vipers are scary and all but they don't exactly eat people. Plus, I didn't see any chainsaws on the cover. Still, I am happy to report that I was wrong; it is a good time!

Part of the much vaunted Maneater Series, Vipers is one of the better bad movies with an all-star B-lister cast including Tara Reid, Corbin Bernsen and Jonathan Scaree (Who?). Don't worry, it is still a pretty good movie.



Deep in the greedy corporate halls of Big Pharma, scientifically-enhanced snakes are bred for their venom as treatment for various (and unspecified) cancers. Soon, the sneaky serpents slip out of the secret lab and slither on over to Eden Island, a secluded land of fishing tourism and teenage angst. Oh yeah... old Tom T Hall warned us all; why didn't we listen?



Because the vipers are "scientifically-enhanced", they get a little hungry. Who can really blame them? Hey! A snake's gotta eat!



Soon, homeland security is informed and a realistic and reasonable contingency plan is scheduled: Time for an air strike!



Oops! Wrong Vipers!

Its a race against the clock as the few remaining survivors try to outwit the voracious vipers and escape before the air strike destroys all life on the island while the evil pharmaceutical corporate strike team tries to recapture some snaky specimens for more shady experiments. Exciting, ain't it?

This is a good Bad Movie that has some really funny moments. Our favorite part is watching the serpents eat their victims; they actually chew! If you like monster movies, it is worth the rental.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob