Kiss of the Vampire

There I was, innocently walking through the local Blockbuster and looking through the 5 movies for $20 bin when, all of a sudden, there it was! Kiss of the Vampire! I thought to myself, "Self! Right there is a bad movie that just might be worth $4." I was wrong.

Upon reflection, I was simply duped. I imagined a movie chalk-full of vicious vampires victimizing voluptuous vixens while various valiants vie for victory versus the vile villains! Alas! Unfortunately, this video represents more brooding vampires wishing they were mortal while some human women wishes that he would just bite her and carry her away. At least there is no sparkling in the sun.


Oooh!! I'm Alex, the pensive vampire!

In a small sleepy Midwestern town, Alex (the Pensive Vampire) meets Estelle ("Oh look! My neck is exposed! Oh well..") at an opera (yeah, an OPERA for God's sake) and falls in love. As it happens, Estelle's father is a top scientist researching an approach to immortality for... wait for it....


The Illuminati!!

Using his love for Estelle as a negotiating chip, the evil Illuminati promise Alex (the Pensive Vampire) that they will find a cure for his vampirism in exchange for his bite to immortality. You see, that is how the nefarious Illuminati roll, yo! Well, don't take my word for it; here is a nifty chart that depicts the depth of scheming nastiness perpetrated by the Illuminati:


Scientific Chart of Illuminati Nastiness

Soon, an unholy war rages between the evil Illuminati and the Vampires. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) is caught between a coven of vampires who all have seen that Twisted Sister video from the '80's and the local Midwestern chapter of the ever evil Illuminati hell-bent on immortal orneriness. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) has to get a little butch.


Alex (The Pensive Vampire) all Butch

This movie is really, really bad. The fight scenes are slow (apparently vampires are polite enough to spit and prance about while you reload), both the plot and dialogue is trite and tired (Estelle is an artist, of course), and the special effects are terrible. The best part is Costas Mandylor (The Slow and Wooden) as a Van Helsing knock-off.


Where's Your Grosse Pointe Blank Now?

Save your money and stay away! If it were not for Vampires vs. Zombies and Twilight, this would be the worst vampire movie to date.

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Vampires vs. Zombies

Tonight I watched a bad movie. Now, I love bad movies--God knows how many I own--but tonight I saw a movie so bad that I had to start a blog in order to warn the world to STAY AWAY! If one person can be spared this dreadful pile O' shyte, well... then I will call this blog a success.

When I saw the disk cover for Vampires vs. Zombies I was a little excited. Think of it! Vampires biting on zombies... zombies eating vampires... big guns... scantily-clad young coeds... a chainsaw or two if I was really lucky... but alas! No luck! Well, there were some scantily-clad young coeds but it is simply not enough to save this abysmal movie. Let me explain.

First of all, there were no chainsaws. Now, I enjoy many bad movies without chainsaws but, although this production wanted one, it instead ended up with a hedge trimmer. A HEDGE TRIMMER!?!?!?



One can only assume that the high cost of a K-Mart chainsaw (with oil and fuel) would only push the cost of the film over its $300 budget. Still, I might believe it except for the scene where this hedge trimmer was wielded against 10 zombies at once and limbs were flying about.

Second, the fight scenes were terrible. Now, I am not talking bad like when in Buffy the Vampire Slayer the vampires would just wait their turn until she was ready to stake 'em, oh no! I'm talking bad punches, obviously weak kicks, and lame sliding across the hood of the car to attack a Kenny Rodgers look-a-like called "the General."



Yeah, not even remotely believable. I mean, come on! I like Kenny Rogers as much as the next guy but why not at least pony up for a Gallagher impersonator; heck, he could even bring his own mallet!

Last, the plot was murky (at best). The viewers are presented with two dueling images that may mean either (1) the lead chick is in the middle of a Deliverance-inspired undead hoe-down or (2) she is in a mental ward (a la Gothika) and hallucinating it all. In the end, who really cares?

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob