Alien Apocalypse (2005)

Oh yes! It is time for another bad movie review and we are going to the king, Bruce Campbell! The other night, I decided to avoid the dissertation, poured myself a horn of home-brewed chocolate mead, and put Alien Apocalypse (2005) into the dvd player. You gotta love bad movies as a work avoidance tool.

As you know, O' Gentle Reader of Bad Blogs, Bruce Campbell is the king of bad movies and Burn Notice. I love his work, on the whole, and I have even read both of his books. Heck, Nancy even likes his movies and will occasionally put up with me watching some of his bad TV shows (which will remain nameless). In short, he is simply "The Man" around these parts. Now, lets get to the review.

A group of four astronauts return to earth after a 40 year cryogenic space nap only to discover that something is amiss.



Oops! Wrong film! Here we go...

"Say... where did we park?"

Soon, our intrepid hero discovers that modern civilization is destroyed and the human race has forgotten much of what it knew about medicine, technology and hygiene. Oh, also that the world has been conquered by giant space termites. Yeah, definitely giant space termites...

"Whoa! Where's Terminix when you need them?"

..and they are hungry...FOR BRAINS!!

"Nom, nom, nom, nom..."

Now, its up to "The Doctor" to lead a rag-tag band of humans (who are armed with primitive weapons)...

"Heigh-HO! Heigh-ho, its off to war we go!"

...against a deadly race of super space bugs (who are hell-bent on world domination, deforestation, and general nastiness)...

"WHERE'S THE CHEETOS?!?"

...and he ain't havin' any!

"Pew! Pew, pew, pew!"

Yeah, this movie has issues. First, the animation of the giant space termites was horrible. HORRIBLE! In fact, they kept using the same screen shots over, and over, and over. Next, Bruce Campbell is a space-faring chiropractor? Really? Last, the action is really slow for a "B Movie" adventure flick. I mean, come on! I'm wishing I would have worked on the diss, here!

Still, it does have its charms. For instance, it IS a Bruce Campbell film. Even though this is far from his best work, he does swagger and quip his way through the film (which was probably shot over 2 days or so) just like we like him to. I wouldn't buy or rent it, if I were you, but it may be worth watching on a Saturday afternoon Sci-Fi movie marathon if you are avoiding work.

Rating: 2 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

My Name is Bruce (2007)

Oh, HELL yeah! It's time for a new bad movie review and next up is one from The King! Bruce Campbell is simply the King of B-Movies and, if I must be honest, my personal hero. When I heard about his new movie My Name is Bruce, I knew that I would soon be wasting.. er.. investing another two hours (well, 84 minutes) of my life in B-movie bliss! Yeah, the dissertation would have to wait. It's OK; it's not like my committee reads my blog (or DO they...). Anyways, lets get you caught up!



Something evil is stirring in the small mining town of Gold Lick, and it is NOT happy! Local teens, who are bored and hormonal (as ever) get to jacking around in an old Chinese cemetery and awaken an ancient evil: Guan-di, the Chinese Protector of the Dead and Bean Curd!

"You kids get offa my lawn!"

Now, Guan-di is on a bloody crusade to wipe out the small town's population and reek his hellish vengeance on the locals for their ancestor's abuse of the Chinese immigrants. What can the good citizens of Gold Lick do? Time to call in the big guns!



Shanghaied by the locals and rather clueless, Bruce Campbell believes that he is filming his latest B-movie masterpiece as he leads what's left of the locals against the deadly deity of late-dynastic doom!



Reality (Ha!) soon sets in for Bruce when he realizes that this is not Hollywood and that ain't a rubber polearm comin' at him! Daddy needs to cowboy-up!

Gratuitous Chainsaw Sighting--FTW

This is a great bad movie that has some truly laugh-out-loud moments! I love how his life is depicted and the special effects are pretty good. Heck, the insider chuckles at his past movie and TV portfolio alone are worth the rental price. Get it, grab some popcorn and enjoy!

My favorite quote of the movie: "Consider yourself officially exempt from my wrath sweetcakes, and if you're lucky a little later I'll let you play with my boomstick." Hail to the King, baby!

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob