Vipers

Oh yes, it is time for one of Nancy's favorite schlocky movies: Vipers! Nancy found this rare gem at Wal-Mart (of all places) and was kind enough to bring it home for a date night (you gotta love a woman that brings schlocky movies to date night!). When I saw the cover I was a little skeptical; after all, sure... vipers are scary and all but they don't exactly eat people. Plus, I didn't see any chainsaws on the cover. Still, I am happy to report that I was wrong; it is a good time!

Part of the much vaunted Maneater Series, Vipers is one of the better bad movies with an all-star B-lister cast including Tara Reid, Corbin Bernsen and Jonathan Scaree (Who?). Don't worry, it is still a pretty good movie.



Deep in the greedy corporate halls of Big Pharma, scientifically-enhanced snakes are bred for their venom as treatment for various (and unspecified) cancers. Soon, the sneaky serpents slip out of the secret lab and slither on over to Eden Island, a secluded land of fishing tourism and teenage angst. Oh yeah... old Tom T Hall warned us all; why didn't we listen?



Because the vipers are "scientifically-enhanced", they get a little hungry. Who can really blame them? Hey! A snake's gotta eat!



Soon, homeland security is informed and a realistic and reasonable contingency plan is scheduled: Time for an air strike!



Oops! Wrong Vipers!

Its a race against the clock as the few remaining survivors try to outwit the voracious vipers and escape before the air strike destroys all life on the island while the evil pharmaceutical corporate strike team tries to recapture some snaky specimens for more shady experiments. Exciting, ain't it?

This is a good Bad Movie that has some really funny moments. Our favorite part is watching the serpents eat their victims; they actually chew! If you like monster movies, it is worth the rental.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Warbirds (SciFi 2008)

Aw yeah! It is time for more sweet monster bad movie goodness! You know that you love the bad movies; frankly I bet you stay at home on Saturday afternoon watching flicks like this on the SciFi--oops! I mean SyFy (What the hell is that anyway?)--channel and eating pizza and popcorn instead of writing your dissertation. Okay, maybe some projection there. Anyway, I was excited when Nancy found Warbirds (SciFi 2008) in the cheap movie bin and brought it to date movie night. I mean. come on! Dinosaurs in the World War II Pacific theater? Sign me up!

In the final days of World War II, Colonel Jack Toller shanghais a group of Women's Airforce Service Pilots (WASP) led by the precocious Maxine West (no relation to Mae West...OR IS THERE?!?) to ferry a top-secret weapon and his company of intrepid marines to an American base in the Pacific. But before they can reach their goal, a violent storm damages their B-29 and forces them to crash land on the beach of a remote tropical island.

Oh yeah.. I know what you are thinking. Five strappin' red-blooded American Marines and five fine young eager-to-please WASPs? Tropical island? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge, Say no more, say no more! Alas! no. This is the SciFi..er SyFy channel after all. In fact, the ladies close ranks and do their very best En Vogue impersonation:



No, you're never gonna get it!

At first, the island seems deserted (complete with a deserted Japanese military air base) but soon our band of heroes discover they are not, in fact, alone. Not only do they discover a few remaining (and tricksy) Japanese officers, but also a new and terrifying opponent: Evil Pterodons!



My mistake; you ARE gonna get it!

This is a good film! I like the Japanese twist (ie no Nazis) in a WWII-based bad movie and the special effects are not too bad. I even liked the characters and the acting was surprisingly pretty good overall. But Warbirds (SciFi 2008) does exploit one of my bad movie pet peeves: a dust jacket that has no bearing on the movie. Where's the T-Rex? WHERE"S MY T-REX!! Also, there are USA fighters on the cover but they fly "Zeroes" in the film. I hate that.

Still, it is a good flick overall and certainly worth the rental. Get it and have fun!

Rating: 2.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Kiss of the Vampire

There I was, innocently walking through the local Blockbuster and looking through the 5 movies for $20 bin when, all of a sudden, there it was! Kiss of the Vampire! I thought to myself, "Self! Right there is a bad movie that just might be worth $4." I was wrong.

Upon reflection, I was simply duped. I imagined a movie chalk-full of vicious vampires victimizing voluptuous vixens while various valiants vie for victory versus the vile villains! Alas! Unfortunately, this video represents more brooding vampires wishing they were mortal while some human women wishes that he would just bite her and carry her away. At least there is no sparkling in the sun.


Oooh!! I'm Alex, the pensive vampire!

In a small sleepy Midwestern town, Alex (the Pensive Vampire) meets Estelle ("Oh look! My neck is exposed! Oh well..") at an opera (yeah, an OPERA for God's sake) and falls in love. As it happens, Estelle's father is a top scientist researching an approach to immortality for... wait for it....


The Illuminati!!

Using his love for Estelle as a negotiating chip, the evil Illuminati promise Alex (the Pensive Vampire) that they will find a cure for his vampirism in exchange for his bite to immortality. You see, that is how the nefarious Illuminati roll, yo! Well, don't take my word for it; here is a nifty chart that depicts the depth of scheming nastiness perpetrated by the Illuminati:


Scientific Chart of Illuminati Nastiness

Soon, an unholy war rages between the evil Illuminati and the Vampires. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) is caught between a coven of vampires who all have seen that Twisted Sister video from the '80's and the local Midwestern chapter of the ever evil Illuminati hell-bent on immortal orneriness. Alex (the Pensive Vampire) has to get a little butch.


Alex (The Pensive Vampire) all Butch

This movie is really, really bad. The fight scenes are slow (apparently vampires are polite enough to spit and prance about while you reload), both the plot and dialogue is trite and tired (Estelle is an artist, of course), and the special effects are terrible. The best part is Costas Mandylor (The Slow and Wooden) as a Van Helsing knock-off.


Where's Your Grosse Pointe Blank Now?

Save your money and stay away! If it were not for Vampires vs. Zombies and Twilight, this would be the worst vampire movie to date.

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Frankenfish

Last night Nancy and I enjoyed a Sunday night tradition: A bad movie and bad pizza from Little Caesars. You know, upon reflection Little Caesars pizza is a lot like bad movies: (1) its cheap ($5 for a cheese or pepperoni), (2) you hope that no one you know sees you with it, and (3) even if you wanted to, there is no where to sit and enjoy it where you get it (ie no theater release). But I digress.

So last night we watched Frankenfish, a movie that Nancy found at a closing video rental store for $2. I really hate seeing the local video rental stores going out of business; there are so many movies out there that seem to get little or no attention and I like cruising the aisles and reading the jackets. For instance, I had never heard of this movie but I am sure glad Nancy found it! I mean, mon Dieu! It's a freakin' Frankenstein fish! C'est si bon!



A big-town Medical Examiner is forced to go back to his Louisiana Bayou past when a fisherman is found floating half-eaten in the swamp. Alligator you ask? Oh no... if only...



A vicious school of genetically-engineered Asian Snakehead fish have escaped illegal import into the Louisiana Bayou. Local officials are baffled as they scramble to uncover the cause of carnage along the Cajun canals! Following a trail of mangled bodies along the river bank, our intrepid ME (local football hero made good) and his bikini-wearing biologist bombshell battle the bellicose bohemoths in the bayou boondocks!



Oooohhhh!!! Scccaarrryyy!!!

This schlocky film has it all! Big bad fish run amok, an annoying lawyer that needs a good comeuppance, a voodoo lady with a penchant for prognosticating impending peril, and a rich 'great white hunter' wanna be that pays the price for his lack of vision. Sharpen-up your sushi knife and fire-up the Netflix, this movie is great fun and worth the rental!

Rating: 3.5 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

Black Sheep

Do you like zombies? Do you like sheep? Are you Scottish? If you do, then this is the movie for you! When I heard about Black Sheep I just knew that it was going to be oh, so bad (but in that good way we all know and love). I mean, Wow! evil zombie sheep! How can you resist?

Deep in rural New Zealand, sheep-aphobic Harry is forced to return to the family farm years after witnessing the gruesome sheep-related accidental death of his father. After a $300 cab ride, he just needs to sign some papers to sell his rights to the farm to his brother (who is secretly genetically manipulating sheep in a hidden lab). Time is of the essence as Dolly, the new genetically superior sheep, is to be revealed to a group of potential investors at a gala on the farm! (Exciting, isn't it!)

Soon, it all goes wrong as the other sheep on the farm start acting strange; they seem to have developed a taste for blood! That's right! Where's your God now?!?!?



This is a great, bad movie that has it all! The special effects are gore-tastic (courtesy of Peter Jackson's WETA workshop) and the movie is riddled with dark humor that will make you groan while you squirm in your seat. What other movie can make you jump when the camera pans to the hallway to see this:



HEeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeee'sss DOLLY!

Other than good special effects and dark humor, this movie does offer some great moments. For instance, I love the scene when all the investors are enjoying the party until a herd of bloodthirsty sheep pour over the hill to raid and pillage! My favorite part, however, is the battle between a hippie vegan environmental activist and the reanimated sheep fetus he was trying to liberate!



Ah yes! Good times! If you love bad movies (and you know you do) then Black Sheep is well worth the rental price. Now, if it had Nazis, it might be perfect.

Rating: 4 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob

The Gingerdead Man

Oh yeah! What can be more terrifying than a psychopathic killer reincarnated as ginger-based pastry and hell-bent on delicious revenge? Only one thing: That psychopath is portrayed by an obviously unhinged Gary Busey! God help us; God help us all!

While robbing a small Texas diner, Millard Findlemeyer (who comes up with these names?)--the flaky Gary Busey--unleashes a hail of tasty lead on the Leigh family. Sarah (the daughter) survives to testify against the half-baked Findlemeyer and send him to the electric chair. Mama Findlemeyer (an accomplished witch and baked-goods aficionado) serves up sweet revenge by mixing Findlemeyer's cremated remains into Gingerbread spices and delivers her spicy vengeance to the local bakery which is owned by the Leigh family. A quick mix, some time in the oven, and viola! a diminutive doughy dreadnought dispensing doom with a deadly dagger!



Whoa! This movie is bad! I know what you are thinking: What can go wrong? This is the role that Gary Busey was born to play! This movie has one flaw that is so distracting that one simply cannot enjoy the campy cookie-based killing: everyone could just leave the bakery. This takes place in a town... A TOWN! Why not just walk over to the police station? Why not walk over to Wal-Mart and get a baseball bat? The Gingerdead Man is all of 6" tall.. how fast can he walk?

Still, it does have its moments. Apparently, the Gingerdead Man is a master of the knife-based booby traps. Also, he likes to put icing all over young latina women (who doesn't?) along with strategically placed cherries and stick them in the freezer. Just remember: when the Gingerdead Man says "Eat me!" DON'T DO IT!

Rating: 1 Bite out of 5

-Safari Bob

Vampires vs. Zombies

Tonight I watched a bad movie. Now, I love bad movies--God knows how many I own--but tonight I saw a movie so bad that I had to start a blog in order to warn the world to STAY AWAY! If one person can be spared this dreadful pile O' shyte, well... then I will call this blog a success.

When I saw the disk cover for Vampires vs. Zombies I was a little excited. Think of it! Vampires biting on zombies... zombies eating vampires... big guns... scantily-clad young coeds... a chainsaw or two if I was really lucky... but alas! No luck! Well, there were some scantily-clad young coeds but it is simply not enough to save this abysmal movie. Let me explain.

First of all, there were no chainsaws. Now, I enjoy many bad movies without chainsaws but, although this production wanted one, it instead ended up with a hedge trimmer. A HEDGE TRIMMER!?!?!?



One can only assume that the high cost of a K-Mart chainsaw (with oil and fuel) would only push the cost of the film over its $300 budget. Still, I might believe it except for the scene where this hedge trimmer was wielded against 10 zombies at once and limbs were flying about.

Second, the fight scenes were terrible. Now, I am not talking bad like when in Buffy the Vampire Slayer the vampires would just wait their turn until she was ready to stake 'em, oh no! I'm talking bad punches, obviously weak kicks, and lame sliding across the hood of the car to attack a Kenny Rodgers look-a-like called "the General."



Yeah, not even remotely believable. I mean, come on! I like Kenny Rogers as much as the next guy but why not at least pony up for a Gallagher impersonator; heck, he could even bring his own mallet!

Last, the plot was murky (at best). The viewers are presented with two dueling images that may mean either (1) the lead chick is in the middle of a Deliverance-inspired undead hoe-down or (2) she is in a mental ward (a la Gothika) and hallucinating it all. In the end, who really cares?

Rating: 0 Bites out of 5

-Safari Bob